weddings 101

My wedding, the happiest day of my life, passed away on June 23. Since it’s passing, I’ve had trouble accepting that it’s gone. My husband, Shaun, calls this sadness post-wedding disorder, or PWD.

And as much as I like to tell him he’s wrong about most things, he’s definitely on to something here.

I loved being engaged. Shaun and I had been dating for almost 10 years when he proposed, and I had wanted to marry him for all of those thousands of days that led up to him giving me a Kinder Surprise egg with a ring inside on Christmas Eve. From the moment I cried yes, I pictured myself as a bride. I loved telling people that I was engaged. I loved trying on my wedding band and going to the dress shop to look at my gown.

My wedding day was everything I wanted. I got the perfect guy and I married him on our perfect day and for that I will be forever grateful. So why do I feel an emptiness afterward? I planned each and every tiny detail of my long-awaited day, and it went flawlessly. So where did I go wrong?

Now that several seasons have passed since my perfect day, I realize that it wasn’t the dream of the wedding that I loved so much; it was being engaged. Although I knew that getting married would bring amazing new things into my life, what escaped my centerpiece-filled consciousness was that it would eliminate the one thing that meant more to me than roses and peonies: being almost married. When I look back at the evidence, it seems so obvious now. I wanted to be a wife, yes, but I was far more focused on being an almost wife.

Since our marriage, each morning I do a little dance in my head when I wake up to the fact that there are no more wedding to-do lists to stress about. But this relief lasts only moments before the realization kicks in that I will never again plan or participate in my wedding. It’s then that I feel a sadness come over me that I never experienced in all my years as a Miss.

For 18 months, I had only one task: to plan the perfect wedding. With my dream fulfilled, what now? The average Canadian engagement lasts about a year, so is it really all that surprising that an event that swallows a woman’s life for so long would leave a bruise once the clock strikes midnight?

My sister tells me not to worry, that Shaun and I can renew our vows for our 10th anniversary. It’s tempting. But then another bout of PWD? I think I’ll pass.