How To Get Frisky In Public (Without Getting Caught)

Name the last five places where you romped with your partner…If your answer is a full “bed” flush–with a smattering of “couch” feebly thrown in–it’s time to raise the stakes by adding a dash of exhibitionist pizzazz to your sex life. Migrating straight from the bedroom to the front lawn is not recommended in the sport of alfresco lovin’ (unless you’re looking for a quick avenue to sex in the slammer). But for discreet duos, here are some key places to have sex in public and how to do it!

Risk factor: 7/10

Instructions: Strip to the ankles. She sits on his lap. Insert coins and make indecent exposures. (Note: Failure to collect the pictures in time may result in an arrest/threesome offer from mall security.)

Dress code: Anything, as long as you can keep socks and shoes on.

Dirty talk: “Say sleaze!”

Excuse if busted: “The rules on passport photos are getting so stringent. First no smiles, now no shirts? Jeepers…”

If you like this, you may also like: Tanning beds.

Risk factor: 7/10

Instructions: Anything too gymnastic may result in capsizing the cart. So instead of going for the top prize, settle for some manual clowning around as your pod peaks.

Dress code: A blanket over the lap.

Dirty talk: “Tame the beast under the big top.”

Excuse if busted: “I had to hold on to something rigid to steady myself.”

If you like this, you may also like: Heavy petting at the petting zoo.

Risk factor: 2/10

Instructions: Beginners can cheat and hit the stop button between floors. More risqué couples should select the top floor of a tall tower and hope nobody gets on before they get off. Warning: Disregarding security cameras can increase the odds of getting caught, but may start a career in porn.

Dress code: He’s a bellboy; she’s in a power suit.

Dirty talk: “Ride that shaft.”

Excuse if busted: “We got confused between going to the penthouse and posing for it.”

If you like this, you may also like: A fireman’s pole.

Risk factor: 4/10

Instructions: Most clubbing is just a layer of fabric away from penetration anyway. Wait until claustrophobia and intoxication levels soar simultaneously, then pull off a standing spooning position.

Dress code: A short skirt and a well-oiled fly. No underwear.

Dirty talk: “C’mon baby, do the locomotion…I’ll jump on the caboose.”

Excuse if busted: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”

If you like this, you may also like: An outdoor music festival.

Risk factor: 9/10

Instructions: She wears an inner tube around the waist to ward off prying eyes. He swims up, grabs the side of the flotation device, and she mounts him underwater.

Dress code: A one-piece swimsuit (to prevent the awkward loss of bikini bottoms).

Dirty talk: “You’re soooo wet.”

Excuse if busted: “The undertow sucked me in.”

If you like this, you may also like: The Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls.

Risk factor: 10/10

Instructions: Go to the kitchen cabinet display. Open two cupboards to obstruct everything from the waist down. Maintain the facial composure of shoppers who are seriously contemplating faucets.

Dress code: A long skirt and a trench coat.

Dirty talk: “Tab A in Slot B and then screw.”

Excuse if busted: Just pretend you’re Swedish. String together a jumble of product names that sound like a sentence (“Malm sova agen svenning!”), then make a beeline for the cafeteria.

If you like this, you may also like: Home Depot.

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Image(s): iStock

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