relationships

Tongue-in-cheek marriage advice for newlyweds from a woman who’s been there.

On the subject of Housecleaning: An integral part of keeping your home clean is having multiple storage compartments in which to shove things. Remember, the end game of housecleaning is only to portray having a clean house.

Note: From time to time, you will need to actually clean your house to avoid conspicuous smells.

On the subject of Sex: Sex is for one thing and one thing only – conceiving children. With any luck, you will only have to do this 10 to 20 times to make this happen. Feel free to tell your husband it’s “that time of the month” all the time. They have very short memory spans and will quickly accept this as truth.

On the subject of Children: Children are a blessing. They are also messy, whiny and lead to drinking. That’s all I have to say.

On the subject of Cooking: To avoid having to cook elaborate meals for a lifetime, be sure to start off your marriage by serving mediocre, bland dishes. Dry Shake N Bake is encouraged. Any step you make towards better cooking will be met with encouragement and accolades.

Note: While serving a terrible meal, a few tears and the phrase, “I’ll never be a good wife” go a long way towards keeping cooking expectations low.

On the subject of…Everything Else: Keep a stash of chocolate bars in a drawer. Take vacations. Have fun. Talk often, laugh often. Keep each other happy.

Kara Kootstra hates work. As luck would have it, people seem willing to compensate her to write children’s books, teach piano lessons and make gourmet cupcakes. A happily married woman (except for when her husband makes fun of her for reading Twilight), Kara is a mother to Claire, a girl who wears fairy wings to the grocery store and Nate, a four-year-old who is famous for his use of wordplay.