A Groom’s Guide To Surviving The First Year Of Marriage

Getting married is easy. Any fool can do that–just look at Hollywood. The hard part is surviving the next 12 months.

Though I’d loved (and lived with) Sarah for seven happy years, we were blindsided by how hard married life proved to be. Suddenly we argued over everything. Money. Dinner. TV volume. Hell, our wedding hangovers had barely faded, and we were fighting like crazy over the right way to fold a towel. As a public service, here are my survival tips for new grooms:

1. Go on a tropical honeymoon immediately, because a) you need to calm your ass down, and b) honeymoon sex is intensely romantic.

2. Once a week for the first three months pour her a glass of wine and ask if she’d like to look at the wedding pics. She’ll be thrilled. For the first year, she’ll want to hang onto that special day. Memories fade–it’s cruel to deny her this pleasure.

3. Hire a house cleaner. Now.

4. Establish your guys’ night before you get married.

5. Kiss her within 30 seconds of arriving home.

6. Unless the clock’s ticking, no babies until year two.

7. Know which drink is your a*shole juice. (Mine is vodka.) Stop drinking it around your wife.

8. Don’t get fat, man.

9. Think to yourself: Do I want to win this argument, or do I want to stay married?

10. Show her you love her, every single day.

Image(s): CSA Archive

filed under: , , , ,