How To Get Frisky In Public (Without Getting Caught)
Name the last five places where you romped with your partner…If your answer is a full “bed” flush–with a smattering of “couch” feebly thrown in–it’s time to raise the stakes by adding a dash of exhibitionist pizzazz to your sex life. Migrating straight from the bedroom to the front lawn is not recommended in the sport of alfresco lovin’ (unless you’re looking for a quick avenue to sex in the slammer). But for discreet duos, here are some key places to have sex in public and how to do it!
1. MALL PHOTO BOOTH
Risk factor: 7/10
Instructions: Strip to the ankles. She sits on his lap. Insert coins and make indecent exposures. (Note: Failure to collect the pictures in time may result in an arrest/threesome offer from mall security.)
Dress code: Anything, as long as you can keep socks and shoes on.
Dirty talk: “Say sleaze!”
Excuse if busted: “The rules on passport photos are getting so stringent. First no smiles, now no shirts? Jeepers…”
If you like this, you may also like: Tanning beds.
2. FERRIS WHEEL
Risk factor: 7/10
Instructions: Anything too gymnastic may result in capsizing the cart. So instead of going for the top prize, settle for some manual clowning around as your pod peaks.
Dress code: A blanket over the lap.
Dirty talk: “Tame the beast under the big top.”
Excuse if busted: “I had to hold on to something rigid to steady myself.”
If you like this, you may also like: Heavy petting at the petting zoo.
Risk factor: 2/10
Instructions: Beginners can cheat and hit the stop button between floors. More risqué couples should select the top floor of a tall tower and hope nobody gets on before they get off. Warning: Disregarding security cameras can increase the odds of getting caught, but may start a career in porn.
Dress code: He’s a bellboy; she’s in a power suit.
Dirty talk: “Ride that shaft.”
Excuse if busted: “We got confused between going to the penthouse and posing for it.”
If you like this, you may also like: A fireman’s pole.
4. CROWDED DANCE FLOOR
Risk factor: 4/10
Instructions: Most clubbing is just a layer of fabric away from penetration anyway. Wait until claustrophobia and intoxication levels soar simultaneously, then pull off a standing spooning position.
Dress code: A short skirt and a well-oiled fly. No underwear.
Dirty talk: “C’mon baby, do the locomotion…I’ll jump on the caboose.”
Excuse if busted: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
If you like this, you may also like: An outdoor music festival.
5. SWIMMING POOL
Risk factor: 9/10
Instructions: She wears an inner tube around the waist to ward off prying eyes. He swims up, grabs the side of the flotation device, and she mounts him underwater.
Dress code: A one-piece swimsuit (to prevent the awkward loss of bikini bottoms).
Dirty talk: “You’re soooo wet.”
Excuse if busted: “The undertow sucked me in.”
If you like this, you may also like: The Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls.
Risk factor: 10/10
Instructions: Go to the kitchen cabinet display. Open two cupboards to obstruct everything from the waist down. Maintain the facial composure of shoppers who are seriously contemplating faucets.
Dress code: A long skirt and a trench coat.
Dirty talk: “Tab A in Slot B and then screw.”
Excuse if busted: Just pretend you’re Swedish. String together a jumble of product names that sound like a sentence (“Malm sova agen svenning!”), then make a beeline for the cafeteria.
If you like this, you may also like: Home Depot.
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