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The IOC may not have sanctioned these “sports” for the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, but we suspect they would draw a few more viewers than Olympic team handball!

1. Highboard Belly-Flopping
. Sure, lithely-framed Olympic divers ooze artistry and athleticism during their aerial gymnastics and perfect pike displays. But entering a pool with mini­mal splash is very anti-climactic. Belly-flopping, on the other hand, unites the courageous skills of high-board divers with daredevil deft. Scoring is based on the following criteria: redness of belly, number of bleacher rows soaked and decibel level of impact (ten point deduction for loss of trunks).

2. Rhythmic Slip ‘n Slide
. Think of it as a choreographed version of everyone’s fave backyard activity–or a semi-aquatic version of rhythmic gymnastics. Splashy tumbles and limber movements combine with slide routines performed along a 400-square-foot, sprayed-down surface. Hula-hoops, balls and ribbons are replaced with props including Super Soakers, over­filled water balloons and Baywatch-esque flotation devices.

3. Synchronized Making Out
. These coordinated underwater kissing ses­sions, set to pop music, marry the cap­tivating lightness of rhythmic gymnastics with the underwater moves of swimming’s 400-meter individual medley. Points awarded for minimal saliva drippage and smooth transitions from embrace to full-on make out maneuver.

4. Kim K Triathlon. Also known as the Iron Buttocks, the first leg of the “K” is a pro-athlete speed-dating race. The first 15 ladies to coax an NBA or NFL athlete into a starter marriage move on. Next up: wedding planning (judged using a 6.0 scale evaluating technical merit, artistic impression, osten­tatiousness and photo rights’ revenues). The final leg is the second marriage-announcement per­formance, with bonus points awarded for the new hubby’s social media influence.

5. Greco Roman Thumb Wrestling
. “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war rrrrrrr-umble,” announces Michael Buffer. This is the only fight sport where the worst possible injury would be a sore thumb. Competitors don finger puppets to showcase individuality. Warriors then lock fingers with one another in an attempt to clamp down their opponent’s digit to the count of three. A competitor can force a pinky-finger tap-out with an array of submis­sion holds, from the manicure-killing “Nail Bar” to the “Guillotine Knuckle Choke.”

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